Happy Jerry Seinfeld Vomit Day to all who celebrate! 🤮
I’m really glad “Law & Order” is getting a chance to come back and finish their story.
Why on earth are they still calling this Dick Clark’s New Years' Eve?
Hey, did you hear Trump’s response to the Derek Chauvin verdict?
Me neither! It’s so great!
Personally, what I’ve missed most during COVID is the lack of cahoots. It is practically impossible to be in cahoots with anyone, on anything, these days.
“Secretary Fudge” is probably the funniest name you’ll hear today.
“You have to admit a Christmas tree smells good!”
“They make a spray.”
COVID-19 has stolen so much from us. I haven’t seen a single post-Halloween walk of shame.
Really looking forward to next month’s “Sexy Coronavirus” costumes
What have you done today to help get us out of this dystopian hellscape? Me, I just prepared another 25 Vote Forward letters. Join the party! votefwd.org
“The developer’s computer is constantly hosed” is the modern-day version of “The cobbler’s children have no shoes”.
It’s a good day for Maya Rudolph.
Say 💥 are 🎇 there 🧨 a lot 💣 of 🌩 fireworks 🧨 near 💥 you?
Has anyone seen any studies on the efficacy of masks held dangling from one’s hand? Based on my own observations, I’m assuming it must be quite high.
I’m worried about Joe Biden’s mental state. He denied this sexual assault claim, sure, but he completely forgot to call the woman a horseface, or say she wasn’t his type.
If I die, please know that I died doing what I apparently love: Touching my own dumb face constantly.
“Thank you for being a business advantage checking relationship rewards platinum honors client” the bank clerk said, as we both drew markedly closer to our inevitable deaths.
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The “Practice random acts of gardening” bumper sticker has to be the stupidest I’ve seen in August.
I’ve only got about 28 hours left, so please allow me to wish you all a joyous Prime Day.
Not a single person in London has wished me a happy Fourth of July today, and that’s simply churlish.
If I saw you in San Jose this past week, it was a pleasure and I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to chat further.
If I didn’t see you, let’s hope for better luck next time.
The government will gladly pay you Tuesday, for a hamberder today.
Would someone close to the senator please tell Mitch McConnell about this amazing thing called “overriding a veto”?
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