2021-04-21: Hey, did you hear Trump’s response to the Derek Chauvin verdict? Me neither! It’s so …

2021-04-06: Personally, what I’ve missed most during COVID is the lack of cahoots. It is practically impossible …

2021-03-11: “Secretary Fudge” is probably the funniest name you’ll hear today.

2020-12-01: “You have to admit a Christmas tree smells good!” “They make a spray.”

2020-11-01: COVID-19 has stolen so much from us. I haven’t seen a single post-Halloween walk of shame.

2020-09-05: Really looking forward to next month’s “Sexy Coronavirus” costumes

2020-08-31: What have you done today to help get us out of this dystopian hellscape? Me, I just prepared another …

2020-08-27: “The developer’s computer is constantly hosed” is the modern-day version of “The …

2020-08-11: It’s a good day for Maya Rudolph.

2020-07-04: Say 💥 are 🎇 there 🧨 a lot 💣 of 🌩 fireworks 🧨 near 💥 you?

2020-06-27: Has anyone seen any studies on the efficacy of masks held dangling from one’s hand? Based on …

2020-05-01: I’m worried about Joe Biden’s mental state. He denied this sexual assault claim, sure, …

2020-03-14: If I die, please know that I died doing what I apparently love: Touching my own dumb face …

2020-01-31: “Thank you for being a business advantage checking relationship rewards platinum honors client” the …

2020-01-14: If you’re looking for an exciting way to really spice up your life, trying having some fun …

2019-08-28: The “Practice random acts of gardening” bumper sticker has to be the stupidest I’ve seen in August.

2019-07-15: I’ve only got about 28 hours left, so please allow me to wish you all a joyous Prime Day.

2019-07-04: Not a single person in London has wished me a happy Fourth of July today, and that’s simply …

2019-06-07: If I saw you in San Jose this past week, it was a pleasure and I’m sorry we didn’t have …

2019-01-16: The government will gladly pay you Tuesday, for a hamberder today.

2019-01-16: Would someone close to the senator please tell Mitch McConnell about this amazing thing called …

2018-11-28: Finally, my friends. Finally, Big Mouth Billy Bass with Alexa support is real: amzn.to/2Sgjfot

2018-11-04: Financially speaking, the end of daylight saving time was clearly the optimal night to stay in a …