I’ve only got about 28 hours left, so please allow me to wish you all a joyous Prime Day.
Not a single person in London has wished me a happy Fourth of July today, and that’s simply churlish.
If I saw you in San Jose this past week, it was a pleasure and I’m sorry we didn’t have a chance to chat further.
If I didn’t see you, let’s hope for better luck next time.
The government will gladly pay you Tuesday, for a hamberder today.
Would someone close to the senator please tell Mitch McConnell about this amazing thing called “overriding a veto”?
Finally, my friends. Finally, Big Mouth Billy Bass with Alexa support is real: amzn.to/2Sgjfot
Financially speaking, the end of daylight saving time was clearly the optimal night to stay in a hotel.
I’m really gonna miss all the great interactions I had on…oh, wait, Google+? Never mind.
Gosh, that broom emoji needs to hurry up and get here already!
Ah, and here we see the white-breasted North American deplorable. If you listen, you’ll hear him utter his cry of “womp womp”.
A helpful gentleman on the street mumbled an offer/threat to chop off my busted leg. He was dressed in scrubs, so he might just be equipped to do it.
So if we just constantly play the national anthem around Donald Trump, at least that one hand on his heart will be too occupied for any pussy grabbing.
“These Beautiful women should proudly compete in the Swimsuit Competition, Bikinis on, in honor of the great men and women of our military and the people of our country.”
Someone actually asked to take a picture of my peg leg. The only thing worse would be asking to take a picture WITH my peg leg.
Friends, if you seek unwanted attention and desire to have the same conversation over and over again, follow this simple plan. First, break your foot. Next, acquire a peg leg. Finally, attend a massive open-air comedy and music festival in the heart of San Francisco.
More bright side of my broken foot: In addition to needing to pack half the socks for this trip, I also only needed to pack right shoes.
Alright, airport, let’s get it the F on! I see no way traveling with a peg leg could go poorly!
Sure, my foot is broken, but you have to look at the bright side. Because I’m only wearing one sock a day, my laundry is cut in half!
Just for the record, like John McCain, I also don’t want Donald Trump at my funeral.
If you want to get on the press wi-fi at Angels Stadium, I’ve got you covered, thanks to NESN.
If you live in the Northeast, you know that today is a good day to not own a dog.
I’m lying on my deck (literally on the floor of my deck because the furniture is covered for the winter), soaking up some sun. I thought about how nice this felt, and then I remembered it was February 21, and it shouldn’t be 70 degrees.
So now I feel like shit again.
I kind of like this idea that when I go to bed, the government shuts down too. Then when I wake up, it’s just booting back up. Really, what’s the point in having a functioning government running 24 hours a day? That just seems wasteful!
If Marcus Mariota doesn’t start his post-game press conference with “There’s no “I” in “team”, but there is one in “Mariota”, which is why I threw a touchdown to myself.”, well, he’ll have missed a golden opportunity.
Probably the best thing about adopting a highway compared to adopting a kid is that when you’re sick of it after a year, you can just give it back.